Tuesday, January 1, 2008

New Year, New You, New stress

I've been doing some thinking this morning. That is always a dangerous thing for me, because it usually turns to something negative of stressful. I've decided - well I've really had an idea for a long time, but I've just decided to really make it official - that I am not good at starting new things. I prefer to be in the middle of something. In the middle, you make a plan and make it happen and that I can handle. I guess I work best under pressure and I am confident that I can make things happen when I have to. But at the beginning, you have choices - do you want to start this thing, or do you want to start something else? how do you want to start? what is your goal? what is your plan to approach that goal, is that the best plan? are there other options?

So this being the first day of the NEW year, kinda has me stressing out a little. Last year was good. I feel like I have grown and matured and become more comfortable in my skin. I have a long way to go though and now with this year looming ahead and everyone asking about resolutions and mottos and plans, I am having trouble deciding and feeling anxious about what is coming.

First there is the Word of the Year at Scrapwords. Leslie challenged us to come up with one word that we hope to use to describe the coming year. I am thinking of it as a motto. I chose a word and made a page about it, but now I am wondering if I made the right choice. It might seem trivial - oh it is just a scrapbook page - but I have really been using my scrapbooking as a sort of journal/diary/therapy so to me it is real. I picked that word because I feel that is what I would like to have happen in the next year, but now I wonder if it is too broad, too ambitious or just plain wrong.

My word is "EVOLVE" because I want to evolve into a better version of myself in this coming year, much like I did in the past year. That encompasses a lot though - working out, eating right, just plain being healthy, being a better mother and a better wife, continuing to follow my passion in scrapbooking and be true to myself in doing it i.e. not follow the trends too much or 'sell out' in the hopes of fame, and most of all relax! so I am thinking about making another page about 'relax' because that is my first subcategory that I want to tackle this year. but I can't get excited about a 'relax' page because I just dont even know where to begin. (ahh back to that again) I mean, relaxing is such a foreign concept to me that I wouldnt know how to make a scrapbook page that reflects relaxing. I mean, would that be pale blues or whites or what?

Speaking of relaxing, here is a perfect example. Yesterday I decided that I would enter the CK hall of fame scrapbooking competition. Leslie has so much faith in me that I figured, hey why not? do I think I can win - absolutely not, but you never know until you try right? Then after I made that decision I started THINKING about it and realized that it was a victory for me to just make the decision to apply because even if I know I wont win, just going to the trouble of making the application means that I have some amount of confidence in my abilities that makes me feel that it is at least possible if highly unlikely. So I started thinking about some of the projects that I would have to do, and got excited. This was in the car on my way home from work. When I got home I was really excited to get started and went into the scrap room and looked around bewildered and scared to death! I kept replaying my ideas and then telling myself how stupid they are and how I will never win so why bother? So I started getting depressed and decided to give up for the night and play some games with DH and DD. Well this morning in the shower, I decided not to apply after all. because one of my main goals for this year is to relax and be true to my art, and stressing over this entry is contrary to all of that.

So I would say, that is that, but I guess I sort of have it in the back of my head that I will hold back some pages from the internet in the next month and see if I can't get an entry together anyway, even if I dont send it. That kind of thinking seems to work for me in the contest and challenge area. And I usually end up inspired by the challenge and not stressed because I know that I am just creating for myself. so I guess that is the approach. I still may submit, but I am not going to be actively working towards it and if it doesnt happen then it doesnt happen.

In other news, the scrapperie website doesnt seem to be working today and I am really upset. I was looking forward to chatting. Oh well. Oh and Seth went to Old Navy yesterday to get me some sweaters because my office is so cold and he did a GREAT job! all of them are perfect, and they were almost all on sale. I am wearing one right now, a fluffy fleecy white thing with a big collar - kinda like a turtleneck but not tight - that brushes my chin and just makes me feel cozy. I am kinda bummed that I am going to have to take it off soon because my scrap room is warm and I am going to start scrapping. Oh and he said - "speaking of stress, shopping is stressful, after I left old navy my shoulders were all tense, maybe that is your problem, you shouldnt shop anymore" lol! but I told him that I dont really go into stores anymore, since I gained weight, I HATE shopping for clothes and I do most of my scrap shopping online, and there isnt really anything else I need right now.

Oh and that is another thing - sorry this is terribly long. But I was thinking about the name of my blog. When I first created this blog, I called it thoughts of traveling because I was obsessed with traveling and we went on lots of trips. I just love seeing new places and learning about new cultures and ways of life (I guess that is why I started a masters in anthropology - which I didnt finish because I decided there was no real point) but anyway, this morning I realized that I dont think about travling anymore. I mean, I am not really even interested. Sure there is a huge list of places that I want to see and things I want to do, but right now it is just not appealing to me, it is WAY down on my list. I dont know if that is because I did a lot of traveling already and kinda 'got over it' or if it is because I am just at a different place in my life, or if it is because I have a new obsession. what is it with me and obsessions? I have said this tons of times, but I am an 'all or nothing' kinda person. if I am going to work out and eat right then I am going to go all out to do it, if I am going to scrap then I am going to do it as often as possible. what is up with that? actually, come to think of it, maybe it is my hatred of starting new things. I mean if I am in the middle of something then I dont have to think about the other options. So right now I am in the middle of my obsession of scrapbooking (not that I am saying there will be an end, but you never know) and therefore I dont have to think about the other things I could be doing.

Alright, I think that is enough for now. I am going to stop rambling and start scrapping - in a RELAXED way!! LOL!


Suzanne said...

Happy New Year, Megan! Good luck evolving! Scrappy friends are the best for helping us achieve our goals. :-)

Colleen said...

This is an awesome post Meg and I think you'll find it good to look back on because there's a lot here. I like your word and good for you for even thinking about HOF and I agree that even applying is an accomplishment! Keep us updated!